Sunday, March 21, 2010


Dear Brothers and Sisters of the Church IN IRELAND it is with great panic that I write to you as charlatan of the universal Church.

I have been deeply disturbed that the information regarding the abuse of children and vulnerable young people by priests of the Church IN IRELAND has come to light.

I am dismayed that you have learned of these sinful and criminal acts that I have worked so hard to cover up and of the way Church authorities IN IRELAND dealt with them.

In almost every family IN IRELAND, there has been someone – a son or a daughter, an aunt or an uncle – who has given his or her virginity to the Church.

In recent decades the Church in YOUR COUNTRY has had to confront new and serious challenges to your superstition and blind subservience arising from the rapid transformation and secularization of IRISH society. All too often, the sacramental and devotional practices that sustain superstition and blind subservience and enable it to grow, such as frequent confession, daily prayer and annual retreats, were neglected.

To the victims of abuse and their families:

On several occasions since my election to the See of Peter, I have met with victims of sexual abuse, I have sat with them, I have listened to their stories, I have acknowledged their suffering, and I have prayed that they would not tell their stories to anyone else.

With this Letter, I wish to exhort all of you, as God’s people IN IRELAND, to reflect on the wounds inflicted on Christ’s body blah, blah, blah...

To priests and religious who have abused children:

You betrayed the trust that was placed in you by innocent young people and their parents, and you must answer for it before Almighty God and before properly constituted tribunals within the Vatican because we are above all civil law. Worse than the immense harm done to victims, great damage has been done to the Church and to the public perception of the priesthood and religious life.

To the children and young people of IRELAND:

I wish to offer you a particular word of encouragement. Your experience of the Church is no different from that of your parents and grandparents. All people, in every generation, have been scandalised by the sins of the Church's members, particularly those who were chosen especially to guide and serve young people.

To the priests and religious of IRELAND:

All of us are suffering as a result of the sins of our confreres who betrayed a sacred trust or failed to deal justly and responsibly with allegations of abuse. In view of the outrage and indignation which this has provoked, not only among the lay faithful but among yourselves and your religious communities, it is essential that you cooperate closely with my authority and help me to ensure that the measures adopted to cover-up these crimes will be truly evangelical, just and effective.

Kiss my ring you suckers...

(Papal Bullshit detourned)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Sir

Obviously you have read the pastoral letter with a cynical and distorted view. I wouldn't like you to be my Judge or a member of the Jury! It is so easy to be satirical but not so easy to put forward a proposal or suggestions to deal with the situation. Maybe it is something to think about in future.

3:57 PM  
Blogger steve davies said...

"I wouldn't like you to be my Judge or a member of the Jury!"

Why? What have you done? Must be bad if you must remain anonymous...

3:44 PM  
Blogger Merl Fluin said...

Here's an entirely non-satirical proposal or suggestion: rapist priests should have all their body hair ritually shaved off and be paraded on international TV, the Vatican should be flooded with sea water and turned into a giant aquarium with free admission for all, and the Pope should be given a job operating a hotdog stand outside the entrance.
Maybe it is something to think about in future.

4:44 PM  

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