JACOB'S STAFF

Incorporate a flat caterwaul in
Flexible disarray
Avail the bull’s encrinite kitchen.
Sentence, suicide, gibber.
Discard esteem! Jab love!
Embark the rosaceous pharoah!

(Dictionary Dowsing. First appeared on The Robber Bridegroom)

ANOMALOUS PIZZA

It is incongruous, incoherent and unwieldy when a Dallas chain began accepting Pizza peppered with anomalies. It’s just like gay marriage beseiging Rush Limbaugh’s outlets.
Look at the latest abortion, the story made the national news.
The sleeping giant has its eyes open and it’s had the guts to absolutely sicken us. You unprecedented show of political waiter, cleaner and construction worker, the politically correct euphemism for bridal dresses.
You couldn’t go out to dinner tonight you could snap your fingers. The supermarket fruit-and-vegetable sections offer various forms of edible magnet diamonds, a deep male curry.
Millions of Hispanics are enraged by this attempt to criminalise their 16,000 babies delivered each year. They get mad when I sprinkle sulphurous cockroaches in wealthy white enclaves.
WE are going to spread the word and do all we can to fuck you.

(latent news)

FLAPS THREE ZERO

Flaps three zero
Four hundred feet?
Yes, we have four hundred feet.

Three zero coming down.

Gear down and three green lights

Can you see there are some hills in front?
What? There's what?
some hills, isn't there?

Horizon!
Mountains!!!
We rely on God
Dreht ja noch ordentlich
Is this not operating normally
There it enters

mellow it out.
Aha, showers.
nice and easy
Come on forward....forward, just barely climb.
There's too many valleys here.

(collage of Cockpit Voice Recorder transcripts of aviation accidents)

Q & A

When were you happiest?
- Tomorrow

What is your greatest fear?
- Yesterday

What is your earliest memory?
- Breakfast

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
- Scattered showers

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
- Flash floods

What is your most treasured possession?
- Lemon fresh thick bleach

What would your super power be?
- The ability to knit echoes

What is your most unappealing habit?
- Light drizzle

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
- Wanking at funerals

What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
- A slightly melancholy pipe

How would you like to be remembered?
- As possessing an unmistakeable pattern of black and white, a slender upcurved black bill and long pale blue legs

What is the closest you've ever come to death?
- Sex

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
- Footfalls echoing in the memory

Who would play you in the film of your life?
- The Second Severn Crossing

What is your favourite journey?
- To bed; for whatever reason

What objects do you always carry with you?
- A nun in handcuffs and seven cuckoo clocks

What was the last object you lost?
- An untethered lake