Sunday, March 21, 2010


Dear Brothers and Sisters of the Church IN IRELAND it is with great panic that I write to you as charlatan of the universal Church.

I have been deeply disturbed that the information regarding the abuse of children and vulnerable young people by priests of the Church IN IRELAND has come to light.

I am dismayed that you have learned of these sinful and criminal acts that I have worked so hard to cover up and of the way Church authorities IN IRELAND dealt with them.

In almost every family IN IRELAND, there has been someone – a son or a daughter, an aunt or an uncle – who has given his or her virginity to the Church.

In recent decades the Church in YOUR COUNTRY has had to confront new and serious challenges to your superstition and blind subservience arising from the rapid transformation and secularization of IRISH society. All too often, the sacramental and devotional practices that sustain superstition and blind subservience and enable it to grow, such as frequent confession, daily prayer and annual retreats, were neglected.

To the victims of abuse and their families:

On several occasions since my election to the See of Peter, I have met with victims of sexual abuse, I have sat with them, I have listened to their stories, I have acknowledged their suffering, and I have prayed that they would not tell their stories to anyone else.

With this Letter, I wish to exhort all of you, as God’s people IN IRELAND, to reflect on the wounds inflicted on Christ’s body blah, blah, blah...

To priests and religious who have abused children:

You betrayed the trust that was placed in you by innocent young people and their parents, and you must answer for it before Almighty God and before properly constituted tribunals within the Vatican because we are above all civil law. Worse than the immense harm done to victims, great damage has been done to the Church and to the public perception of the priesthood and religious life.

To the children and young people of IRELAND:

I wish to offer you a particular word of encouragement. Your experience of the Church is no different from that of your parents and grandparents. All people, in every generation, have been scandalised by the sins of the Church's members, particularly those who were chosen especially to guide and serve young people.

To the priests and religious of IRELAND:

All of us are suffering as a result of the sins of our confreres who betrayed a sacred trust or failed to deal justly and responsibly with allegations of abuse. In view of the outrage and indignation which this has provoked, not only among the lay faithful but among yourselves and your religious communities, it is essential that you cooperate closely with my authority and help me to ensure that the measures adopted to cover-up these crimes will be truly evangelical, just and effective.

Kiss my ring you suckers...

(Papal Bullshit detourned)


In the beginning there were witches and volcanoes.

On the first day the witches breathed into the volcanoes and created man and woman out of witch breath and lava.

On day the second the witches said “Let there be joy” and there was laughter, music, singing and orgasm.

On day three the witches said “Let there be good things” and there were giraffes, cheese, fine wine, sex, the countryside, olive oil, exquisite fabrics, bird song, books, stone circles, flirting, tunnels, Coffin Joe, spiders, Spike Milligan, dogs, freedom, sausages, Scooby Doo, beds, rimming, kinky boots, space exploration, health, simulacra, griffins, blueberries, fragrances, figs, love, owls, telepathy, teleportation, television, Telly Savalas, dreams, flying, invisibility cloaks, weather, bracken, buzzards, stars, vinegar, language and girls with long dark hair.

On Thursday the witches came down from The Mountain and reading from the tablets of molten lava they hollered “Squid are marine cephalods of the order Teuthida, which comprises around 300 species. Like all other cephalopods, squid have a distinct head, bilateral symmetry, a mantle and arms. Squid, like cuttlefish have eight arms arranged in pairs and two longer tentacles (The only known exception is the bigfin squid group, which have ten very long, thin arms of equal length.)”

On the last day of the working week the witches took an extended lunchbreak and engaged in boisterous, drunken merrymaking that continued deep into the night.

Saturday, the witches declared, would be the day of rest.

On the seventh day the witches decided that there could not exist good things without bad things and so created bibles, barbed wire, police, prisons, armies, knives, bombs, Popes, money, intolerance, reality tv shows, repression, haemorrhoids, Jimmy Carr, diarrhoea, the Daily Mail, business, Tories, priests and baldness...